Accountability

I need some accountability right now. Maybe then I will finally get my butt in gear. I have been so bad. I was feeling down and craving some cookies so what did I do? I made cookies! I figured it was my birthday, so I gave in. And then Russ brought home some roses and a big thing of chocolate raisins (isn't he sweet?). Well, the chocolate raisins are gone now. How bad it that? I know, pretty bad. I also had a "birthday shake." I vowed to do good this week, but it's just not happening. I start out the day doing good, but then I cave and eat something bad. Like today--I had already had my healthy lunch and then Melina wanted Mac and Cheese for lunch. I made some with the intention of not having any, but then of course I did. At least I didn't have as much as I usually do. I also have this problem where I get the craving for something like cookies and I CANNOT get the thought out of my mind. I usually cave and end up making something. I'm going to try really hard not to do that this time. I will make myself report back on that, so hopefully knowing that I have to report will make me not do it. We'll see. Anyway, hopefully I will have a positive post soon. I am also going to try and get some before pics taken. Maybe this weekend when I'm actually wearing makeup and have my hair done.

Pity Party

Well, today is my birthday. How did I spend it? By going to the hospital to get some lab work done for Carson. We'll probably get something to eat tonight, but that's about it. We can't really go out because we are trying to limit where we take Carson right now. That's okay though, I don't need some big hoopla to celebrate my birthday. What I am disappointed in is my lack of weight loss. I usually get some clothes for my birthday. I was really hoping to be able to find clothes in a size or 2 smaller. But alas, that is not going to happen.

Hm, what else can I complain about? Oh yeah, my hair. I decided to cut my hair because I needed a little pick me up. I had been debating whether or not to do it for awhile. So I decided to just go for it. Ugh. I HATE it. I wish I didn't do it. I went for an A-line with some stacked layers, but my hair just doesn't look good with it. Plus, it is too short. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to wait for it to grow out a bit and then I think it will look better.

And here's the big one. I think I might have a bit of postpartum depression. Either that or I'm just extremely stressed out. I love my kids more than anything and I'm extremely grateful for them, but I'm having a hard time being a mom right now. I find myself wishing I could go back to my life before having kids. Plus, Carson has so many health problems, I can't stop thinking about what it would be like if he were to die. Whenever I think about that, I immediately start crying and I have to tell myself to stop. Which is of course easier said than done. The stress is just really getting to me and I'm having a hard time dealing with a high needs baby and an almost 4 year old demanding my attention.

Anyway, sorry for the pity party. I just really needed to vent.

An apology

I owe you an apology (if anybody is even reading this). I haven't been posting much. My weight loss efforts have not been going the way I intended them to go. I'm getting close to getting serious. I desperately want to lose weight, but as any body that has truly been in my position will tell you...it's not going to happen unless you can find that motivation. I haven't reached that point yet. However, I am happy to report that the scale is finally moving down again. I managed to lose about 5 lbs., but then put back on a few. Well now I have lost those few lbs. again. Having Carson home has helped. We're not eating out as much and I'm not scarfing down granola bars in the car on the way to and from the hospital anymore. I'm still not doing all that great with eating healthy, but I'm definitely doing better. It's a work in progress. I also want to get back to exercising, but finding the time is very difficult with a high needs baby. I know, I know...I'm full of excuses. Anyway, I'm going to try and be better about posting more often.