I give up!

I'm not really giving up on my weight loss, although it is definitely not going how I want it to. I'm giving up on this blog. I don't think anybody reads it anyways. Not that that is why I started it, but it just isn't what I was hoping and wanting it to be. I hardly ever post, I just can't keep up with it. I can barely keep up with my family blog. I'm actually going to start exercising which will help with both my weight loss and stress. And I will keep trying to eat better. So, like I said, I'm not giving up on my weight loss. Hopefully I'll be able to reach my goal someday. But to this blog, I'm saying goodbye. Thanks to those who actually read it:)

Accountability

I need some accountability right now. Maybe then I will finally get my butt in gear. I have been so bad. I was feeling down and craving some cookies so what did I do? I made cookies! I figured it was my birthday, so I gave in. And then Russ brought home some roses and a big thing of chocolate raisins (isn't he sweet?). Well, the chocolate raisins are gone now. How bad it that? I know, pretty bad. I also had a "birthday shake." I vowed to do good this week, but it's just not happening. I start out the day doing good, but then I cave and eat something bad. Like today--I had already had my healthy lunch and then Melina wanted Mac and Cheese for lunch. I made some with the intention of not having any, but then of course I did. At least I didn't have as much as I usually do. I also have this problem where I get the craving for something like cookies and I CANNOT get the thought out of my mind. I usually cave and end up making something. I'm going to try really hard not to do that this time. I will make myself report back on that, so hopefully knowing that I have to report will make me not do it. We'll see. Anyway, hopefully I will have a positive post soon. I am also going to try and get some before pics taken. Maybe this weekend when I'm actually wearing makeup and have my hair done.

Pity Party

Well, today is my birthday. How did I spend it? By going to the hospital to get some lab work done for Carson. We'll probably get something to eat tonight, but that's about it. We can't really go out because we are trying to limit where we take Carson right now. That's okay though, I don't need some big hoopla to celebrate my birthday. What I am disappointed in is my lack of weight loss. I usually get some clothes for my birthday. I was really hoping to be able to find clothes in a size or 2 smaller. But alas, that is not going to happen.

Hm, what else can I complain about? Oh yeah, my hair. I decided to cut my hair because I needed a little pick me up. I had been debating whether or not to do it for awhile. So I decided to just go for it. Ugh. I HATE it. I wish I didn't do it. I went for an A-line with some stacked layers, but my hair just doesn't look good with it. Plus, it is too short. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to wait for it to grow out a bit and then I think it will look better.

And here's the big one. I think I might have a bit of postpartum depression. Either that or I'm just extremely stressed out. I love my kids more than anything and I'm extremely grateful for them, but I'm having a hard time being a mom right now. I find myself wishing I could go back to my life before having kids. Plus, Carson has so many health problems, I can't stop thinking about what it would be like if he were to die. Whenever I think about that, I immediately start crying and I have to tell myself to stop. Which is of course easier said than done. The stress is just really getting to me and I'm having a hard time dealing with a high needs baby and an almost 4 year old demanding my attention.

Anyway, sorry for the pity party. I just really needed to vent.

An apology

I owe you an apology (if anybody is even reading this). I haven't been posting much. My weight loss efforts have not been going the way I intended them to go. I'm getting close to getting serious. I desperately want to lose weight, but as any body that has truly been in my position will tell you...it's not going to happen unless you can find that motivation. I haven't reached that point yet. However, I am happy to report that the scale is finally moving down again. I managed to lose about 5 lbs., but then put back on a few. Well now I have lost those few lbs. again. Having Carson home has helped. We're not eating out as much and I'm not scarfing down granola bars in the car on the way to and from the hospital anymore. I'm still not doing all that great with eating healthy, but I'm definitely doing better. It's a work in progress. I also want to get back to exercising, but finding the time is very difficult with a high needs baby. I know, I know...I'm full of excuses. Anyway, I'm going to try and be better about posting more often.

Emotional Eating

Hi, my name is Alicia and I'm an emotional eater. I eat when I'm sad and/or stressed. I guess I've always knew this, but I really realized it when I had a miscarriage last year. I would try and be good about not buying junk food, but then I would bake something. I was making some kind of treat at least weekly. I even hid it from Russ sometimes (don't worry, I've since told him about this and haven't done it in a very long time). I was just too embarrassed. It took me a while to realize why I was doing it. I handled my miscarriage pretty well, at least on the outside. I don't think I truly mourned like I should have. And so I would turn to food for comfort. I knew I shouldn't have been eating the way I was, but I would give in. I would say "who cares, I want it, so I'm just going to have it."

Then I got pregnant again and well...as every woman who has been pregnant knows, it is hard to eat healthy when pregnant. There are cravings and morning sickness to worry about. And of course you can't "diet" when pregnant so I would indulge here and there. Luckily I didn't gain a huge amount of weight--just around 30 lbs. But then my sugar level was slightly high, so my doctor made me limit my sugar intake.

After Carson was born, I actually started losing the weight pretty quickly because I was pumping and I didn't have much of an appetite. But then the pumping didn't last very long and I started eating like crap. As you all know, I've been under a huge amount of stress. Having a baby in the hospital puts a pretty big strain on you. So what did I do? I ate, of course. We ate out a lot and I rarely made healthy decisions. Again, the "who cares, I want it, so I'm just going to have it" mentality kicked in. It was especially bad when Carson had major open heart surgery. We were in for a long day at the hospital and of course I took junk food with me. I wanted comfort food.

Anyway, I'm doing much better now. Not perfect, but better. I am actually down a few more pounds. I still give in more than I should. I actually bought some chocolate covered raisins (one of my weaknesses) when I went to the store the other day because I was feeling stressed. I know that it will be a while until things calm down since taking care of a special needs baby isn't exactly easy, but I'm hoping that I won't slip too much.

Progress Report

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Life has just been so crazy lately. I haven't really made much progress yet. The good news is that I'm down those couple of pounds that I gained that first week. I'm hoping that things will calm down soon. This week is a really stressful week. It is all for the good, since it all means that I get to bring my baby boy home, but I am just so overwhelmed right now. I am doing a little better with my eating, so hopefully I'll start seeing the scale go down more.

Progress Report: Week 1

Okay, well it's actually been more than a week. I'm just a little slow. Not much to report except that I'm actually up a couple of pounds. Grrr. Stupid Easter candy! Although the good news is that I'm wearing my pre-pregnancy pants now. Well, the ones I told you about in a previous post. Hopefully I'll do better next week. It's just so hard right now. Not that weight loss is ever easy, it's just so hard to actually focus on it right now.

Temptations

I have a huge sweet tooth. I'm always craving something sweet. All through last weekend I was wanting to make cookies, and on Monday I caved. I made oatmeal cookies. Those are healthy....right? And now they are gone, I just finished them today...well Melina helped. Guess what I had last night...strawberries. I love strawberries! Strawberries are healthy...until you dip them in chocolate. Yep that's what I did last night. I had some left over chocolate chips and melted them. Strawberries dipped in chocolate...mm, it was soooo good. Ugh, I need stop giving in to temptation. It doesn't help that Easter is coming up this weekend and there will be lots of candy. I'm going to really try and be good and not eat too much. Um yeah, we'll see how that goes. Unfortunately, it is really hard to resist temptation when you lack motivation. That's what stress does to me....I'll get to that in another post.

6 weeks

I am 6 weeks postpartum today. Today is my start day. My weight today is my start weight. I am about 5-6 lbs. from my pre-pregnancy weight. Which would be a good thing, except I was fat before I got pregnant. So I have a long way to go.

A few weeks ago, Russ convinced me to buy a cheap pair of pants, just so I wouldn't have to wear maternity pants anymore. Unfortunately, I'm still wearing maternity shirts. Although, my maternity shirts seem to have shrunk since my first pregnancy. Um right....that's it;) The good news is that I can almost wear my pre-pregnancy pants. They are a little tight, but I can at least button them up. Well...they are sort of my pre-pregnancy pants. They're the pants I bought for my birthday last year when I first found out I was pregnant. I had bought a pair of pants 1 size up so that I could wear them longer into the pregnancy. So I'm at least moving in the right direction.

My Story

I've struggled with my weight pretty much my whole life. Well at least since puberty. I was never really that big, but never a skinny mini either. I thought I was heavy in High School, but of course now I wish I could be that small again. I was probably at my smallest (as an adult) just before college or just before I got married (I'm not sure which). But then I got married and had a big life style change (and started taking a crappy birth control pill) and quickly put on about 25 lbs. I haven't been able to lose that weight since and have even put on a little more.

A couple of summers ago, I started losing weight. But then I lost my motivation because we decided to try for another baby and then the holidays hit and I put back on the weight. Then I got pregnant, then I miscarried and turned to food for comfort, then I got pregnant again. So yeah, not exactly the best circumstances for weight loss. So now here I am after giving birth to my second child and I can finally start trying to lose weight again. Wish me luck!

Welcome to my Weight Loss Blog

I have decided to start a blog to chronicle my weight loss. Why? Because I need a place to report to and a place where I can express my thoughts, frustrations, triumphs, etc. I need a place where I can be real and completely honest. I'm going to tell it like it is. It's my blog and I can write if I want to.....so if you don't like it, then don't read it. The reality is that I AM FAT! People will say that I'm not (just to make me feel better). But I am. I really am. I have a lot to lose--over 50 lbs. to reach my goal weight. As I get closer, I may find that my goal weight is unrealistic and may have to change it a bit, but for now I think it is reasonable. I'm not going to say what my current weight is, at least not yet, because well...I'm just way too embarrassed. Unfortunately I can't go gun ho with the weight loss yet (well technically I can, but...) because I just have so much going on right now. I just can't completely focus on it. But I can at least do better than I have been and I need to stop making excuses for my bad eating habits. So now is the time to start my weight loss journey.

Oh, and just in case you were wondering, Ally is a nickname I've been given at work and Fat Ally sounds better than Fat Alicia.